Ashley Soderlund Ph.D. - Busy Moms Helper

How to Support Your Baby’s Language Development

November 4, 2015 by Ashley Soderlund Ph.D.

Hello Busy Moms! Today I’m back talking about language development in babies. Language development is fascinating, especially once infants start talking sometime after their first birthday. But even before they begin talking, language is developing under the surface.

When babies make cooing sounds they are practicing vowel sounds and when they make sounds like “ba,ba,ba,ba,ba” they are practicing vowel-consonant combinations. But much of that under the surface learning comes from them listening to our language. Babies as young as 6-months can recognize familiar words like “mommy” and “daddy.”

So how can you support your baby’s language?

You are probably already doing exactly what your baby needs you to do, but maybe you have doubts about it or don’t realize how important it actually is. Do you use “baby talk” when talking with your baby? Maybe your voice becomes a little more singsong and you repeat words more often? Researchers, who study baby talk or “child-directed speech,” have found that it is important for language development. You may have heard the opposite, that simplifying language could be detrimental when in fact, using “baby talk” is probably one of the best things you can do to help them develop language.

Think about what baby talk sounds like. We use a singsong and higher pitch voice, repetition, longer pauses, and exaggerated pronunciation and expressions. All of these features work to capture your baby’s attention. Babies prefer listening to child-directed speech over regular speech and by the time they are 5-months-old they show greater emotional reactions when listening to child-directed speech compared to regular speech.

When you think about it makes sense. Child-directed speech is simpler and slower making it easier for infants to understand the social and emotional meaning of the interaction. It also helps babies develop language. In one study, researchers found that a toddler’s vocabulary was larger when their parents repeated more words when they were 7-months old.

Our instinct to use cute words and change our voices when we talk to babies was well designed to promote language development, probably in more ways than we know!

So, don’t hold back on the baby talk, it’s exactly what you are supposed to do!

The Parenting Toolbox

October 5, 2015 by Ashley Soderlund Ph.D.

I’m happy to be back at Busy Mom’s helper today sharing a positive parenting tip that helps me get through the more challenging times.

What is a Parenting Toolbox?

It’s a set of ideas, strategies and approaches that you cultivate over time to help you deal with the parenting challenges we all face. Even more than that it is an attitude that helps help deal with those challenging times in a positive way.

This idea of a ‘parenting toolbox’ came up during conversations with my sister as we both raise highly spirited boys. We call each other asking for advice saying things, like “I’ve tried everything and nothing works!” and “I need a new tool in my parenting toolbox!”

My sister and I have both recently made it through the independence-seeking, defiant, and boundary testing days of year two, only to turn around and find ourselves with the even more challenging behavior of year three. Her oldest just turned three and mine just turned four (phew!). Needless to say we’ve had A LOT of conversations over the last few years that have started with – “I’m so frustrated!” and more often than not have ended with “That’s a good idea, I’ll try it.”

As parents, we all face challenges raising our children. And in the face of those challenges we may also have moments of self-doubt. That critical voice in our head creeps in and wonders what we did wrong or even what’s wrong with our child. If we can push those thoughts aside and instead see our child’s new challenging behavior as an opportunity for expanding our parenting skills, then we are truly engaging in positive parenting.

Because here’s the thing:

Our children are constantly growing and developing. With each new stage come new joys and new challenges. We as parents need to grow right along with them—we need to face those new challenges with new ideas and new tools.

That trait, the ability to look at challenge as an opportunity to grow, is a characteristic of highly resilient people. Psychologists call this cognitive hardiness: a style of coping common among people who thrive even when faced with challenge and who report high levels of well-being. In other words, people who are happy and successful.

It seems to me that this is something that we as parents do all the time. Raising children is wonderful and challenging. It makes sense that when they grow that we as parents would view this as an opportunity to grow ourselves.

People are full of good advice for parents and sometimes that’s annoying, but I think usually it’s a good thing. Maybe even a GREAT thing. Yes, you have to filter through that advice – what will work for your child’s temperament and your family may not work for someone else. But I always listen and file away the advice I get because someday it might be the very thing I need to help my child.

So here is my wish for all of us. That we always grow alongside our children and that our parenting expands and deepens with each year. Fill up that parenting toolbox!

To get started check out these posts—all of them contain concrete parenting actions. Tools for your parenting toolbox.

Three Quick Tips to Help Your Kids Calm Down

The Power of a High Five

Self-Regulation Toolkit for When Kids Have to Wait

How to Get Your Child to Listen

Four Mealtime Strategies for Kids Who Won’t Sit Still!

Thanks for Reading!

Lego Creations Photo Book

September 4, 2015 by Ashley Soderlund Ph.D.

Hello! I’m excited to back here at Busy Mom’s Helper sharing a fun project with you today. Are your kids into Legos or some other activity that involves creating something? I love all of the ideas you find on pinterest to save your children’s artwork and I do some of those things. We have a little art wall (here’s a tour of our playroom) and I take pictures of some of my son’s artwork to place in our photobooks. My son has fun doing art — but it’s not his favorite activity. Given the choice between building something or painting, he will chose building anyday! I think he likes that he can be precise with building toys and that he can play with them once they are built.

Contains affiliate links that support this blog at no extra cost to you. See our disclosure for more info.

I’ve also noticed he is really creative when he builds, especially with Legos. Since his very first tower I’ve been snapping picture of his creations because I wanted to capture that creativity. I didn’t really think about what I would do with the pictures and I didn’t really plan to keep taking them. Most of the time I would take a picture and text it to my husband at work, who also has a lifelong love of Legos and loves to see what we are up to during the day. This summer I had the idea to compile all of the pictures I’ve taken of my son’s Lego creations for the past two years into a photobook.

I got the idea because recently my son has started studying the pamphlets that come in the Lego boxes. He loves looking at Lego creations! His best friend always brings over his Lego magazine on playdates and shows my son some of his favorites as well. I thought it would be fun to do a photo book of my son’s own creations. Shuttefly was having a good sale on photo books (right now they are 50% off, that’s better than the sale I had! (affiliate link)

I used their kid’s template Planes, Trains and Automobiles because many of my son’s creations are going things. Tip: click on photobooks and then Kids themes to see a whole host of kid friendly templates.

I did customize the template some just to fit with the pictures I had on the page. I think it turned out really cute. The best thing though? My son loves it! He was so excited to see his old creations and I was so surprised that as we paged through the book he remembered most of them and even had names for them, “that’s my rocket man, that’s my jet pack chug!, that’s my underwater machine!, that’s my jungle!” We have it in the living room and he looks through it often. I think it’s inspired even more creativity in him– he’s recreated some of his old ideas and expanded on them. To see what else we are doing with Legos check out my new series on Lego Scene Boxes!

Thanks for reading!

Ashley

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Mix and Match Preschool Lunch

August 12, 2015 by Ashley Soderlund Ph.D.

Hello again Busy Moms! School is starting soon, if it hasn’t already where you are, and it’s time to think about what to do for lunch. Whether you’re preparing lunch for your little one at home or packing one for preschool here are some tips to make it healthy and fun!

When my son started preschool last year his teachers had a few requests:

1. All lunch containers should be easy to open. Ideally, your preschooler will be able to open the containers themselves or work towards that goal. So test the containers you have and practice with your preschooler at home before school starts. I love stainless steel containers like the ones below. That way I don’t have to worry about anything leaching from plastic. I also use silicone cupcake liners as extra inserts.

2. Any chokeable food should be cut into halves or quarters. Foods like grapes, carrots, hot dogs, cherry tomatoes– or any hard fruit or vegetables should be cut up. I don’t necessarily always do this at home– my son eats whole grapes often. However, at preschool when he’s talking and laughing with several other children I can see how chewing becomes optional(!) I play it safe and cut up food into smaller pieces when I pack his lunch.

Items pictured here:

LunchBots Trio Stainless Steel Food Container, Stainless Steel

Olive Kids Trains, Planes & Trucks Lunch Box

Thermos Foogo Leak-Proof Stainless Steel Food Jar, 10 Ounce – 2 Pack (Blue)

Freshware CB-306SC 12-Pack Silicone Square Reusable Cupcake and Muffin Baking Cup, Six Vibrant Colors

Planet Wise Zipper Bag, Monkey Fun

There was a study released last year showing that school lunches were overall more nutritious than the average packed lunch. Of course there was a great variety in home packed lunches, some of which were very healthy. But overall, home packed lunches skimped on protein, vegetables and fruits in favor of sugary drinks, chips and crackers.

I think finding proteins and veggies kids will eat and that are packable is definitely challenging. Alot of the time I’ll use leftovers—especially chicken and vegetables. I also don’t spend alot of time looking for complicated recipes for lunch. Most preschoolers like food that they can clearly identify, including my son– he wouldn’t appreciate a mini quiche or a meatloaf cupcake. So I tend to keep it really simple. A typical lunch I would pack would include grilled chicken (leftover), a rolled up piece of cheese, whole grain pasta with a little olive oil, and some grapes.

The general rule I have is to include a protein, a grain, a vegetable, fruit and dairy. I’m not a nutritionist, so I’m not going to comment on amounts. I do know it can vary a lot from child to child. I have a high-energy boy who eats a full lunch at preschool and usually has a large snack when he comes home!

Here are some ideas organized by food group. Choose one from each category and you are set to go! I do tend to choose two from the veggie section, but in small amounts. I find most young children love variety and I’ll get a few more veggies in if I have more than one. So, I’ll include 3-4 small broccoli florets and 3 strips of bell pepper in a lunch. That counts as one vegetable serving.

Mix and Match Preschool Lunch

Proteins (choose one)

Grilled or breaded leftover chicken
Chicken nuggets (here’s a great way to keep them from getting soggy and here’s my favorite recipe)
Chicken Noodle Soup
Turkey Meatballs
Hard boiled egg
Hummus
Lunch Meats (ham, turkey)
Beans

Whole Grains (choose one)

Pastas in fun shapes (we love alphabet and wagon wheels!)
Bread
Crackers
Orzo
Bagel
Pita
Tortillas

Dairy (choose one)

Yogurt
Cheese
Cream cheese

Packable Veggies (choose one or two)

Red, orange or yellow bell peppers sliced in strips
Steamed broccoli
Sugar snap peas
Steamed green beans
Diced roasted sweet potatoes
Peas
Sliced cucumbers
Shredded carrots or baby carrots
Cherry tomatoes
Cabbage

Packable Fruit (choose one)

Grapes halved or quartered
Berries
Melon
Banana
Apples cut up and sprinkled with soda water to prevent browning
Dried cranberries

Meal Ideas

Turkey and cheese sandwich on whole grain bread with red pepper slices, broccoli, blueberries, and a yogurt.

Whole grain bagel with cream cheese and ham, melon, sugar snap peas, carrots, and yogurt.

Grilled chicken or meatballs with whole grain rotini, grapes, sliced cheese and broccoli.

White beans, whole grain pasta with olive oil, cherry tomatoes, shredded cheese (which he can add to the pasta if he wants), and apple.

Whole grain tortilla with ham and cheese rolled up and sliced into pinwheels, cucumbers, dried cranberries, and yogurt.

Thanks for reading! For more healthy & lunch ideas follow me on Pinterest!

Visit Ashley @ Nurture and Thrive’s profile on Pinterest.

How to Have a SLOW Parenting Summer

July 9, 2015 by Ashley Soderlund Ph.D.

Hello again Busy Moms! I’m popping over from Nurture and Thrive to talk about slow parenting today. Have you heard about slow parenting? I read about it here myself just a few months ago and it’s a philosophy that really resonated with me. It’s the idea that parenting doesn’t have to be rushed or about To Do lists, but rather it is about spending time together as a family and living in the moment.

I think slow parenting is a bit of a backlash against the overscheduled child, a problem the American Academy of Pediatricians (AAP) discusses in their report on play. The AAP’s main concern is stressed-out parents and kids and lack of quality family time. When we start feeling overextended, stressed, and surrounded by a flurry of our kids activities we can start to lose ourselves and our sense of who we are as a family.

In the end it’s really all about finding the right balance.

Having your kids taking classes and being involved in extracurricular activities in and of itself isn’t a bad thing—in fact it’s a good thing, especially for children in middle and high school. On average 10^th graders in the US are involved in 2-3 extracurricular activities for about 5 hours a week outside of school. Research shows that average involvement in extracurricular activities predicts academic achievement and involvement two years later.

But it’s one of those things that is good in moderation. Average involvement in activities predicts optimal outcomes, like academic achievement, but too much or too little predicts academic burn out.

Summer is a perfect time for us to reexamine our lives. Are we running around from here to there never connecting, never being intentional until one day we wake up and summer is over in a flurry of never-ending activities? Or are we at home with young children trying to be mindful and present but feeling like the days are unending and monotonous?

So, how can we slow down in summer?

Let your child be a driving force in which activities they choose. Help them to mindfully choose the activities they would enjoy or that might offer a break from their normal schedule during the school year.
If you are staying home with your kids this summer, have unstructured time be a part of your days. Research shows unstructured time leads to better decision making skills, creativity and belief in oneself. This is true for both older and younger kids. But also include a simple routine that helps you stay mindful (free printable below!)
If you are working during the summer or otherwise have to live by a schedule, then schedule freetime and family time. As counterintuitive as that sounds, if you don’t schedule it then it probably won’t happen. Get inspired with my SLOW parenting guide below.

I read an article the other day on how as we get older time seems to fly by faster. In my previous life I lectured about this when talking about adult development. It’s the idea that as we age life gets more predictable. When interviewing large numbers of older adults, most remember their life between the ages of 10 and 30 most vividly. Researchers think this is true because we form our identity and experience new things during that stage of life, thus we spend more cognitive energy trying to understand things and remember things. As we get older our lives are more predictable and we speed through it only to look back and think how fast it went retrospectively. When you add to that watching a child grow literally before your eyes, time speeds by us so fast.

We can’t slow down time, but we can be mindful and present in that time. There is a lot of evidence, for example, that practicing mindfulness leads to better memory. Slow parenting is a kind of mindfulness, so maybe we can slow down the perception of time at the least.

A SLOW Summer Routine

So, what about being lazy? I’m guilty of this one! We are decidedly not overscheduled at our house, but sometimes days go by and I wonder what did we do? It’s the same effect of time passing by too quickly. Here’s the thing, lazy does not equal intentional. And I’m all for a lazy day, but when you’re intentional about it’s guilt free! Just like with kids activities, as a family you can be too scheduled or not scheduled enough.

Slow parenting is about finding that balance. And younger kids especially thrive on some kind of routine. I LOVE this idea for a daily summer guide from Let’s Lasso the Moon that has a theme for each day. Below is my version of not so much a routine, but more of an inspiration for summer days– little reminders to savor and be intentional and enjoy summer for everything that it is. My goal is to do something in every category each week, well, that is, unless we only do two things and that’s okay too, after all it’s a slow summer.

Click for your free SLOW summer printable: How to have a SLOW parenting summer by Nurture and Thrive for Busy Mom’s Helper

Here’s what a week in our slow parenting summer looked like for us.

Summer: One day we met with friends to go to the splashpark. We went to the pool one evening as a family after dinner. We had a friend over for a playdate and ran in the sprinkler.

What is summer to you? Make a list of your favorite activities for inspiration for the simple joys of the season.

Love: A friend was sick so we made a “get well” card and mailed it. On the weekend we all cuddled together for a family movie night.

Love is doing anything together as a family, caring for someone else or a pet, or giving back to the community.

Outside: If it is nice out we try to get outside right after breakfast before it’s too hot. About two days a week this doesn’t happen because we have a playdate or we are going to my son’s one scheduled activity this summer: swim lessons. One morning last week we kicked the soccer ball around and on another day my son played in the sandbox. In the evenings we walk or bike together.

Going outside is an essential part of a slow summer. Ever notice how time slows down outside? It’s easier to live in the moment in nature for kids and adults.

Wonder: At the beginning of the week we went to the library. On the way I asked my son what kind of book he wanted to get. He was interested in rocket ships. I helped him type in “rocket ships” on the computer and helped him find the book. We read the book several times that week and he developed an interest in the Mars Rover. We watched videos about the Mars Rover during lunch a few days. Then we did a rocket ship craft later that week.

Wonder could be anything. It could be a craft or a project. I think the important thing is to have your children lead with their question. What do they want to know about?

So what is a SLOW parenting summer?

It’s living a FULL life. It’s about doing simple things. It’s about savoring the season, enjoy time together, being outside and learning something as well. For me, the slowness is better than a flurry of activities or completely open days that end up being forgetful. My hope is to get to the end of summer and say to myself, what a wonderful summer that was.

Happy Slow Summer!

Ashley

7 Tips for FUN Summer Reading!

June 5, 2015 by Ashley Soderlund Ph.D.

Hello again Busy Moms! I’m excited it is almost summer and I plan to take full advantage of all summer has to offer. One of my favorite things to do is to read some really good and fun books over the summer and I want to share that with my son. Here are some ways to instill a love of reading in your children this summer.

The loss of reading skills over the summer is a real problem. The National Assessment of Educational Progress (NAEP; 2002) reported that for fourth graders, 58% of children from lower incomes and 27% of children from higher incomes fell below basic reading levels over the summer. The great news is that summer reading can be fun and simple to do. Here are 7 tips for fun summer reading!

1.Read Aloud Everyday to your Younger (and older!) Children.

Reading aloud to your child is one of the best things you can do for their cognitive development. Research with identical twins (thus ruling out other explanations) shows a causal link between reading ability and better verbal and general intelligence over time. It is a benefit that lasts a lifetime. This isn’t limited to just young children either, reading with older children (or perhaps taking turns reading a chapter book together) can be beneficial as well. You could also read the same book your older child is reading and discuss it together.

2. Make Storytime Really Count.

When reading aloud to your children engage them in the story. Ask them questions about what happens next or how the character feels. This kind of interaction helps young children began to learn how to tell a story and the process of reading. Research shows that when parents use a more interactive reading style their children show significantly better literacy skills. For more on interactive reading and a handy printable with types of prompts to ask your children click here!

3. Join your local library’s summer reading program.

Most local libraries have summer reading programs (this year it’s all about superheros!), storytimes, and fun related activities. Our local library has an annual summer reading kick off party that really gets kids excited. You can find this year’s summer reading list here. It’s always nice on a hot day to go to the library and pick out some new books to read. If going to the library isn’t practical for you, consider an online program, like the Scholastic Summer Reading Challenge.

4. Bring Books with you on Your Summer Outings.

When you go to the park, on a nature walk, to the pool, or even just to the backyard bring a small book or two. Once your kids are tired after running around at the park, how about hanging out at the picnic table and reading while having a snack? Or on a nature walk, take a break and read a fun story. Summer is for being outside; bring your books outside too!

5. Read about something you are going to do this summer.

Maybe you are going to the Zoo, planning a trip to Grandma’s, flying on a plane, taking a roadtrip, going to the beach, having a picnic, or going camping—whatever your summer plans, grab a few related books and talk up the experience. Research actually shows that spending money on experiences makes us happier than buying things and reading about those fun activities can help your children to enjoy those experiences that much longer!

6. Make a book together!

After some of those fun summer outings, gather the photos and make a book about it. This is a great way to encourage kids to learn to tell a story. I’m planning for my son and I to make a road trip book with our photos from our vacation this summer. We will design it and write captions on the pages together. Keep this in mind before you go on your trips or outings so you remember to take pictures of things you might not otherwise. For example, you might want a few extra pictures of animals at the Zoo or some of the big trucks you see on a road trip. You can do this with materials from around your house or you could use one of these websites and make a cute keepsake!

TwigTale Books

Shutterfly Kids Books

Mix Books for Kids

7. Listen to AudioBooks.

In the car or during quiet time (my favorite)! I especially love read alongs for younger emerging readers. My son will follow along with the pages even though he isn’t reading on his own yet. I think this is a good step towards independent reading. We get our read alongs at the library every so often, so they are always fresh and interesting and I get a little break on these sometimes long summer days.

Happy Summer Reading!

Ashley from Nurture And Thrive

Self-Regulation Toolkit For When Kids Have to Wait

May 5, 2015 by Ashley Soderlund Ph.D.

Hello again Busy Moms! I am so happy to be back here sharing another parenting tip with you today. For more parenting tips follow me on Pinterest and join my Facebook community! Today I am sharing a way to help your kids distract themselves when they need to wait, something that will help you and them! And don’t miss the bonus free printable at the end!

One of the things I noticed in my research (in addition to being a Mommy, I’m a Developmental Psychologist, for more about that read this) is that when I did self-control tasks with kids, the ones who did the best were really good at distracting themselves. For example, in one task, I would put two plates in front of a child, one had one cookie on it and the other had two cookies. Then I told the children they could either have one cookie now or wait until I came back in the room and then they could have two cookies.

The children who waited the longest and thus showing greater self-control, used all kinds of strategies to distract themselves. They would sing a song, say the ABCs, count something in the room, anything to distract themselves. Another study tested this idea and they found that if children were distracted with fun thoughts they were able to wait 10 minutes on average for the treat. So it isn’t about children having the sheer willpower to wait, but instead having several strategies to distract themselves while they wait.

This ability to refocus attention or distract oneself is a major building block of self-control. As I talk about in this post, children who wait longer are more sociable, have better grades, and even better SAT scores years later. There are also brain differences between the children who were better at delaying and those who were not as good at waiting.

Helping your children learn how to entertain themselves while waiting is a great opportunity to scaffold regulation skills. Waiting is hard for children (well, it’s hard for everyone really). Waiting for cookies, birthday cake, holiday presents, that is even harder! But there is everyday waiting as well, while at the doctor’s office, at a restaurant, waiting for an oil change, during long car rides and so on. These everyday situations are great times to teach your child how to wait and build some basic self-control skills.

When my son was about almost 2 I started a bringing a backpack with us every time we went some place where we would have to wait. I put things in the backpack I knew he would like and occasionally I rotate the items to keep them fresh.

Inside the backpack are both things for us to do all together and also things he can do on his own. I think having both are important. Like encouraging independent play at home, I want him to be able to distract himself without relying on us some of the time. I also try to have things that are cognitive based as well as things he can do with his hands. Sometimes when waiting is really hard, kids do better when they have something to manipulate.

Most of the things we have in the backpack have been gifts (including the backpack itself!). I couldn’t find several of the exact items, but I listed similar items below as best as I could. Most likely you already have things around the house you could easily use for just this purpose. You can adapt this idea for older kids as well by using different items. And if you want this to help with self-control, then I would avoid electronics/screens– those do the entertaining for your child instead of them entertaining themselves.

This list contains amazon affiliates links. If you purchase an item through a link I will receive a small commission at no extra cost to you!

Backpacks

Stephen Joseph Little Boys’ Quilted Backpack, Train, One Size
Stephen Joseph Girls’ Quilted Backpack, Girl Zoo, One Size

Cognitive Activities

Favorite Small Books & Magazines (we love High Five & Ranger Rick Jr.!)
Puzzles and Games for Younger Kids
Crocodile Creek 12 pc Mini Shaped Puzzle/Monkey
Construction Site Block Puzzle Multi
Hape – Go-Fish-Go Bead Maze
Spot It Junior Animals (I love this game! It is also great for building regulation skills.)
Puzzles and Games for Older Kids
Travel Tangoes Object Puzzles
Travel WaterWorld
Spot It

Hands-On Activities

Small Notebook and Stickers (my son loved doing this when he was younger and he would spend as much time looking at the pages he did before as he did putting more stickers in)
Sticker Activity Books
Magnetic Play Kits
Magnetic Dinosaurs : Set 1
Curious George Magnetic Tin Play Set (1, Normal)
Building Fun
The Wikki Stix Book of Wiggles, Squiggles & Curlicues
8 Piece Tegu Pocket Pouch Magnetic Wooden Block Set, Tints (These are on my wish list!)
ZOOB Traveler Modeling System

And for a little bonus, you can print this out and have a list of games to do while you wait. Laminate and put it in your backpack! Click here waiting games for a 5X7 printable copy.

Thanks so much for reading! For some of my favorite at home games for nurturing self-control in your kids, check out this post. Hope this helps your little ones to thrive!

How to Build Up Your Child

April 1, 2015 by Ashley Soderlund Ph.D.

Hi Busy Moms! I’m Ashley from Nurture and Thrive and I’m so excited to be here today and share some tips on How to Build Up Your Child: Celebrate Successes and Handle Failures.

You’ve seen the headlines “Praise turns children into narcissists!” and you’ve read the articles and yet, if you are anything like me, you still find yourself saying the words “Good Job!” There isn’t anything wrong with feeling proud, praising your child, and wanting to celebrate your child’s successes. But, there are ways to praise that can build your children up. For me, to truly change my behavior as a parent I have to understand the “why,” so let’s break it down: Here are 3 Key Ways Build Up Your Child: To celebrate your child’s successes and build them up to handle failures.

1. Nurture a sense of mastery in your child by praising their “process”

Young children think in a “fixed” mindset. They don’t naturally assume things can or will change. For example, children often don’t realize that an emotion isn’t something that will last forever or that they can change it if they want to (For more on regulation, see my post here on The Most Important Skill to Teach Children). So, when we praise children by saying “you are good at that” or “you’re smart” they will attribute that their ability, rather than their effort.

The problem with children attributing their ability to something innate or unchangeable is that when they are faced with challenge and failure they will assume that they cannot do the task. They won’t realize that they can work hard to learn the task and eventually succeed. In a study where parents praised effort (and not inherent characteristics/ability) at 14-38 months of age, their children were more likely to believe their ability was changeable, enjoy challenges, figure out ways to improve and attribute their success to hard work when they were 7 to 8 years old.

Researchers call this praising the “person” and praising the “process.” Instead of praising your child’s traits (person), praise their behavior (process), emphasizing how they put in effort or changed something. “Wow you worked hard to balance those blocks!” “When it didn’t work to put those Lego pieces together you tried it a different way and it worked!” Or even simply – “It worked, you really were working hard at that.” This will create that sense of mastery that if they work hard they can accomplish their goals.

2. Be genuine, sincere, and specific when you praise.

Rewarding a behavior simply to reinforce that behavior can backfire. That being said, there can be situations in which rewards are useful (although perhaps not necessary)– for example getting young children interested in the potty. But once they develop pride for using the potty, it’s time to focus on that internal reward and for the external rewards to fade.

Research shows that when praise is sincere and not only used to reward a behavior that it is beneficial for children’s motivation. When praise is sincere, don’t hold back, sincere and genuine praise has been shown to increase children’s motivation.

For example, if you are genuinely impressed that your child did something, then tell them, but be specific: “I am so happy you shared your toys with that little girl. Wasn’t it nice to play with her?” “When you share toys it can be fun.” “I am so glad you peed in the potty!” “Do you feel happy and proud? Let’s do a happy dance!”

In the end, as a parent you want to enjoy and share in your child’s successes and that is what we should do! But instead of focusing on the person or even the behavior, focus on their feelings (and your feelings) of internal joy. That ultimately is what is truly rewarding. And your child is happy when you are proud. Help them to recognize those feelings of pride, happiness, and satisfaction that come with hard work, good play and trying at something over and over again. That way you recognizing their natural motivation and enhancing it.

3.Tell your child that they are good and kind.

Praising cognitive and behavioral things is different than praising kindness, goodness, or altruism. Above I said never praise the “person,” only the “process.” Well this is true when it comes to academics and behavior. In that context, you want your child to know that they can change their behavior. But when it comes to your child’s belief that they are good or not, you can and should focus on the “fixed” aspect, on her person. I wouldn’t ever tell my son he is bad or anything negative—but telling him he is kind, good, true, brave, and strong will enhance those qualities in him and help him to internalize those ideals.

Research shows that prosocial “person” praising works especially well for children around the age of 8 and even in 10 year olds. Although, I think it is a good practice to get into at younger ages. Some examples of praising prosocial behavior are: “You are a great sharer,” “you care about others, you are kind,” and “you are a good helper.”

I hope these three strategies help when you want to build your child up. Focus on their mastery and their goodness. Be specific and sincere. And if you say “good job” don’t sweat it, just elaborate on it!

For more on how to build up your child come on over to Nurture and Thrive for The POWER of a High 5!

Thanks for reading!