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Danielle Hey y'all, I'm Danielle - the crazy behind this blog, where I share my creative life adventures as I survive life as a momma of 5 superheroes & wife to my best friend & fellow nerd. Life doesn't have to be perfect to be GREAT! You can reach me at danielle (at) busymomshelper.com - ABOUT -
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Self-Regulation Toolkit For When Kids Have to Wait

May 5, 2015 by Ashley Soderlund Ph.D.

Teaching self-control when Kids Have to Wait- by Nurture and Thrive for Busy Mom's Helper

Hello again Busy Moms! I am so happy to be back here sharing another parenting tip with you today. For more parenting tips follow me on Pinterest and join my Facebook community! Today I am sharing a way to help your kids distract themselves when they need to wait, something that will help you and them! And don’t miss the bonus free printable at the end!

 Teaching self-control when Kids Have to Wait- by Nurture and Thrive

One of the things I noticed in my research (in addition to being a Mommy, I’m a Developmental Psychologist, for more about that read this) is that when I did self-control tasks with kids, the ones who did the best were really good at distracting themselves. For example, in one task, I would put two plates in front of a child, one had one cookie on it and the other had two cookies. Then I told the children they could either have one cookie now or wait until I came back in the room and then they could have two cookies.

The children who waited the longest and thus showing greater self-control, used all kinds of strategies to distract themselves. They would sing a song, say the ABCs, count something in the room, anything to distract themselves. Another study tested this idea and they found that if children were distracted with fun thoughts they were able to wait 10 minutes on average for the treat. So it isn’t about children having the sheer willpower to wait, but instead having several strategies to distract themselves while they wait.

cookie

This ability to refocus attention or distract oneself is a major building block of self-control. As I talk about in this post, children who wait longer are more sociable, have better grades, and even better SAT scores years later. There are also brain differences between the children who were better at delaying and those who were not as good at waiting.

Helping your children learn how to entertain themselves while waiting is a great opportunity to scaffold regulation skills.  Waiting is hard for children (well, it’s hard for everyone really). Waiting for cookies, birthday cake, holiday presents, that is even harder! But there is everyday waiting as well, while at the doctor’s office, at a restaurant, waiting for an oil change, during long car rides  and so on. These everyday situations are great times to teach your child how to wait and build some basic self-control skills.

When my son was about almost 2 I started a bringing a backpack with us every time we went some place where we would have to wait. I put things in the backpack I knew he would like and occasionally I rotate the items to keep them fresh.

Inside the backpack are both things for us to do all together and also things he can do on his own. I think having both are important. Like encouraging independent play at home, I want him to be able to distract himself without relying on us some of the time. I also try to have things that are cognitive based as well as things he can do with his hands. Sometimes when waiting is really hard, kids do better when they have something to manipulate.

bagcontents

Most of the things we have in the backpack have been gifts (including the backpack itself!). I couldn’t find several of the exact items, but I listed similar items below as best as I could. Most likely you already have things around the house you could easily use for just this purpose. You can adapt this idea for older kids as well by using different items. And if you want this to help with self-control, then I would  avoid electronics/screens– those do the entertaining for your child instead of them entertaining themselves.

This list contains amazon affiliates links. If you purchase an item through a link I will receive a small commission at no extra cost to you!

Backpacks

Stephen Joseph Little Boys’ Quilted Backpack, Train, One Size
Stephen Joseph Girls’ Quilted Backpack, Girl Zoo, One Size

Cognitive Activities 

  • Favorite Small Books & Magazines (we love High Five & Ranger Rick Jr.!)
  • Puzzles and Games for Younger Kids
    Crocodile Creek 12 pc Mini Shaped Puzzle/Monkey
    Construction Site Block Puzzle Multi
    Hape – Go-Fish-Go Bead Maze
    Spot It Junior Animals (I love this game! It is also great for building regulation skills.)
  • Puzzles and Games for Older Kids
    Travel Tangoes Object Puzzles
    Travel WaterWorld
    Spot It

Hands-On Activities

  • Small Notebook and Stickers (my son loved doing this when he was younger and he would spend as much time looking at the pages he did before as he did putting more stickers in)
  • Sticker Activity Books
  • Magnetic Play Kits
    Magnetic Dinosaurs : Set 1
    Curious George Magnetic Tin Play Set (1, Normal)
  • Building Fun
    The Wikki Stix Book of Wiggles, Squiggles & Curlicues
    8 Piece Tegu Pocket Pouch Magnetic Wooden Block Set, Tints (These are on my wish list!)
    ZOOB Traveler Modeling System

And for a little bonus, you can print this out and have a list of games to do while you wait. Laminate and put it in your backpack! Click here waiting games for a 5X7 printable copy.

waiting games

Thanks so much for reading! For some of my favorite at home games for nurturing self-control in your kids, check out this post. Hope this helps your little ones to thrive!

http___signatures.mylivesignature.com_54492_146_767F261AB717EE90C307B4E8955770D4 copy

Filed Under: Kid Friendly, Parenting Tagged With: child development, kids, NurtureandThriveBlog, parenting

How to Build Up Your Child

April 1, 2015 by Ashley Soderlund Ph.D.

How to Build Up Your Child by Nurture and Thrive Blog for Busy Mom's Helper

Hi Busy Moms! I’m Ashley from Nurture and Thrive and I’m so excited to be here today and share some tips on How to Build Up Your Child: Celebrate Successes and Handle Failures.

How to Build Up Your Child by Nurture and Thrive Blog for Busy Mom's Helper

You’ve seen the headlines “Praise turns children into narcissists!” and you’ve read the articles and yet, if you are anything like me, you still find yourself saying the words “Good Job!” There isn’t anything wrong with feeling proud, praising your child, and wanting to celebrate your child’s successes. But, there are ways to praise that can build your children up. For me, to truly change my behavior as a parent I have to understand the “why,” so let’s break it down: Here are 3 Key Ways Build Up Your Child: To celebrate your child’s successes and build them up to handle failures.

1. Nurture a sense of mastery in your child by praising their “process”

Young children think in a “fixed” mindset. They don’t naturally assume things can or will change. For example, children often don’t realize that an emotion isn’t something that will last forever or that they can change it if they want to (For more on regulation, see my post here on The Most Important Skill to Teach Children). So, when we praise children by saying “you are good at that” or “you’re smart” they will attribute that their ability, rather than their effort.

The problem with children attributing their ability to something innate or unchangeable is that when they are faced with challenge and failure they will assume that they cannot do the task. They won’t realize that they can work hard to learn the task and eventually succeed. In a study where parents praised effort (and not inherent characteristics/ability) at 14-38 months of age, their children were more likely to believe their ability was changeable, enjoy challenges, figure out ways to improve and attribute their success to hard work when they were 7 to 8 years old.

Researchers call this praising the “person” and praising the “process.” Instead of praising your child’s traits (person), praise their behavior (process), emphasizing how they put in effort or changed something. “Wow you worked hard to balance those blocks!” “When it didn’t work to put those Lego pieces together you tried it a different way and it worked!” Or even simply – “It worked, you really were working hard at that.” This will create that sense of mastery that if they work hard they can accomplish their goals.

2. Be genuine, sincere, and specific when you praise.

Rewarding a behavior simply to reinforce that behavior can backfire. That being said, there can be situations in which rewards are useful (although perhaps not necessary)– for example getting young children interested in the potty. But once they develop pride for using the potty, it’s time to focus on that internal reward and for the external rewards to fade.

Research shows that when praise is sincere and not only used to reward a behavior that it is beneficial for children’s motivation. When praise is sincere, don’t hold back, sincere and genuine praise has been shown to increase children’s motivation.

For example, if you are genuinely impressed that your child did something, then tell them, but be specific: “I am so happy you shared your toys with that little girl. Wasn’t it nice to play with her?” “When you share toys it can be fun.” “I am so glad you peed in the potty!” “Do you feel happy and proud? Let’s do a happy dance!”

In the end, as a parent you want to enjoy and share in your child’s successes and that is what we should do! But instead of focusing on the person or even the behavior, focus on their feelings (and your feelings) of internal joy. That ultimately is what is truly rewarding. And your child is happy when you are proud. Help them to recognize those feelings of pride, happiness, and satisfaction that come with hard work, good play and trying at something over and over again. That way you recognizing their natural motivation and enhancing it.

How to Build Up Your Child by Nurture and Thrive Blog for Busy Mom's Helper

3.Tell your child that they are good and kind.

Praising cognitive and behavioral things is different than praising kindness, goodness, or altruism. Above I said never praise the “person,” only the “process.” Well this is true when it comes to academics and behavior. In that context, you want your child to know that they can change their behavior. But when it comes to your child’s belief that they are good or not, you can and should focus on the “fixed” aspect, on her person. I wouldn’t ever tell my son he is bad or anything negative—but telling him he is kind, good, true, brave, and strong will enhance those qualities in him and help him to internalize those ideals.

Research shows that prosocial “person” praising works especially well for children around the age of 8 and even in 10 year olds. Although, I think it is a good practice to get into at younger ages. Some examples of praising prosocial behavior are: “You are a great sharer,” “you care about others, you are kind,” and “you are a good helper.”

How to Build Up Your Child by Nurture and Thrive Blog for Busy Mom's Helper

I hope these three strategies help when you want to build your child up. Focus on their mastery and their goodness. Be specific and sincere. And if you say “good job” don’t sweat it, just elaborate on it!

For more on how to build up your child come on over to Nurture and Thrive for The POWER of a High 5!

Thanks for reading!

http___signatures.mylivesignature.com_54492_146_767F261AB717EE90C307B4E8955770D4 copy

 

Filed Under: Kid Friendly, Parenting Tagged With: child development, NurtureandThriveBlog, parenting, Relationships

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